From the Inside Out

When I began this blog over two years ago, I wanted it to be a memoir of sorts, for my girls. I wanted it to be a reflection of my thoughts and feelings, and also of my sacrifices, defeats and of course, successes. In a sense this blog is dedicated to them. Thus, the reason why I'm sharing this in this forum.

I've spent the last several months pondering the course of my life. I've realized during this time of reflection, that I've "missed" a lot of my girls' life because I was wrapped up in my own.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with 'having a life'. Far from it. I just realized that I was too busy doing my own thing, that I practically missed a whole year of their precious little lives.

Over the last year, I did a lot of volunteering at my church. I loved every second of it and craved responsibility! I enjoyed the camaraderie and friends. I felt I needed to be involved not only for my church, but for me.

I suppose it came at a time when I felt a bit of freedom that I had not experienced in a long time. Elisan had just started Kindergarten and all of my days were occupied with one less child.

(Side note: For anyone who has two or more kids know that when you are down to one kid - whether it be just running errands or hanging out at home... life is much more simplified in a HUGE way.)

I felt I could get involved in other activities because of it and felt I could take on more stuff. So, that's what I did. I got really involved in my church and loved every second of it.

In addition to that, my fledgling little photo invitation business began to take off. When I wasn't working on church stuff, I was working on invitation orders. I was having a blast! Who doesn't like making money doing something you absolutely love? Yet, meanwhile, KM was vying for my attention, craving it, for that matter.

I was doing enough to get by... meaning... laundry, light housework and meals. Sure, we were doing just fine by "today's" standards... I mean, heck... I had dinner on the table at 6:30 p.m. each night, the kids were bathed, the beds were made, the laundry was put away! To some, that is a success, right?

I kept comparing myself to a 'working' mom. I was making money, so I just told myself (and the kids) that work was important and that I couldn't be interrupted with the little things.

By spring, things went from busy to full-scale work. My volunteering at the church bumped up to a directorship status - reporting directly to the children's pastor. Then invitation orders came flooding in. I felt successful and a bit arrogant. But truthfully, I was barely hanging on.

Then a strange thing happened. Randy came home telling me about a possible opportunity that he may offered a temporary job in China. Whoa! Talk about a reality check. What about me? What about all that I had been working for? What about my stuff?

I was so overwhelmed with the thought of moving to China I could no longer function. I knew I needed to cut some things from my life... the time-consuming stuff... and get back down to basics. So, I stepped away from all responsibilities at church. It was a painstaking decision, but I knew in my heart that it was necessary for my sanity.

Summer arrived and the girls' and I had a fabulous time. We did a lot of traveling back and forth to visit friends and family. We went swimming each day and just had a great time. I even joined the YMCA and lost about 12 pounds by exercising and doing something healthy for a change. I kept up my invitation business, but it was quickly slowing down because bridal shower season was coming to a close.

Yet, even with that, I was still not 'happy'. Oh, sure, I was happy, but not HAPPY... like the fulfilling kind of happiness that a person has knowing they are doing right by everyone. Why? Because I was still holding on to that selfish part of me that made life all about me.

I remember sitting at my friend Cyndi's house and complaining about this, that and the other. My kids, my husband, my house... everything. I clearly was not happy. Yet, in that conversation I don't remember saying anything about how I could change. How I could make a difference.

Several weeks passed and I humbly approached Randy and had a heart to heart with him. I told him about my unhappiness. I shared with him my guilts of not spending time with my kids. I wept to him describing how I was not living my life the way I wanted to be living it, or even how I should be living it.

From that moment on, something finally clicked in me. I realized that I didn't want to miss another single minute of their little lives. I didn't want to be regretful of not spending enough time with my daughters. I didn't want to be remorseful of the way I've neglected my husband. I realized that my job... my life... is about, and will always be about... my family.

So, I resolved to my husband and to myself that this year will be about my girls. I will not over-commit to anything this year. I will not over extend myself this year. What I want to do is sear these moments in my mind forever, because ya know what? I will always be able to volunteer at the school, or serve at my church or run a small at home business... but I will NEVER be able to get these years back when my girls, are little girls. Little girls that need their mommy. Little girls who look to their mom as their number one role model.

I want to look into their eyes and know that their every need - whether emotional, physical or mental - is met 100% and that mommy was there for them, not just in the same room with them. I want them to remember me, for me... their mom who loved them very much.

Randy supports me 100%. After all, I am a stay at home mom for a reason. That's not to say, that volunteering or serving is not honorable, because it is. It deserves one of the highest honors. But right now, I'm serving my God and I'm serving my husband and my daughters - From the inside out.

Photos by Kristi Richards Photography