One of my favorite things to do growing up was to spend the night at a friends' house... or have a friend stay the night at our house. We'd stay up late, talk, make crank calls, make up dance moves, watch movies, eat junk food. It was fun.
And it must've been a nice break for my folks as well... A built in babysitter for the entire night. I never really thought of it from a parents' perspective until now.
But, now that I'm a parent, I have to say, my perspective is completely different and here's why.
Several years ago, one of our church pastors was asked to be a character witness for a man who was standing trial for Indecency With a Child. Our pastor felt 100% positive that the man on trial (his friend) was completely innocent of the charges.
But, there he was. On trial. For abusing a child.
I don't know all of the details surrounding the trial and that is really not important. All I know is that the daughter of the man on trial, had a friend who was spending the night at their home. And that child went home and told her parents that her friend's father touched her.
Let me play devil's advocate here. Say two girls are best friends at school. They have been best friends for years. The one friend has a boyfriend who has recently decided he didn't like her anymore. And let's say that boyfriend decided that he now likes the other friend. This happens on a Monday, at school... after a weekend sleepover.
What's to say, that in effort to hurt this girl (and subsequently her family) the "friend" tells a lie that the father touched her inappropriately while she was at their home over the weekend?
Granted... this may seem far fetched... but is it really?
I realize that sexual abuse runs rampant in our world. I'm not denying that fact or even suggesting that every girl that comes forward about sexual abuse is lying. Certainly not. As a mother of two girls I would believe my girls unequivocally if they ever told me about someone abusing them.
But here's the deal. My husband and I have made a mutual decision to not allow sleepovers at our home or at anyone else's home. It's not worth it. It's not worth someone or something coming against our family. I realize I cannot protect my children from everything, but if I can protect them in this way, I am going to do it.
Our daughter's know our rule and while they don't understand exactly why we are enforcing it, they know that it is for their protection. And it's across the board.
I recently had a mom friend ask me if Elisan could spend the night with them. And I had to tell her... it's not about you... it's about us and a rule we have to strictly enforce. If we break the rules for one friend, then we run into resistance the next time when another "good" friend invites her to their home for a sleepover.
The gist is... the world is not the same as it was when I was having sleepovers at a friend's house. It's just not. I have to take responsibility for my family, because at the end of the day... no one will protect my kids like Randy and me.
Am I extreme? Perhaps. What are your thoughts?
Oh, Erica, that is such a tough decision! Really, so so so many of my best memories of us are from our sleepovers. (and yeah, we pushed the envolope on good decisions sometimes, I realize) Your blog is a glimpse of what I'll encounter soon with my girls (as I encounter moments often that I go, yeah, I remember Erica writing about that!). Caroline is just starting to talk about sleepovers but we haven't invited anyone or been invited yet. Honestly, I had never thought about it from a false accusation point-of-view. I know one family that allows sleepovers at other homes if the dad is away, so it is just girls. I am very interested to hear what other moms of kids older than mine have to say because I was really looking forward to those sleepover years coming up soon -- on both ends, girls here and girls away!
ReplyDeleteYes Amanda, I loved our sleepovers! Many, many of my fondest memories are from spending the with you!
ReplyDeleteWe have pondered the "if Dad isn't there" rule, but what about siblings? What if 8th grade son has a friend over? What then? Can I make the parents send the son away too? It's so tricky...
I too am looking forward to other responses.
I must say it has always been important to me who's home my girl is staying over night in. She has been on sleepovers but mostly they have been with cousins (your argument is sadly still quite valid even then) HAving had her at an inhome daycare while I worked, I'm afraid anything could have happened but God is big and loves her more than I do so I trust and keep on keepin on. I don't think there is a right or wrong but I do think parents have to stick by the rules no matter what and trust that as the kids get old enough to understand, they will and they will appreciate what we have tried to do for them.
ReplyDeleteHey Erica, it's funny you're writing about this because my dad had the same perspective when I was growing up. After my parents divorced, he was pretty much raising us on his own. I never remember it being a specific rule, but I do remember not having friends over for sleepovers at his house hardly ever. When I asked him about it once, he said he didn't want to take the chance of one of our friends accusing him of abuse, molestation, or the like. Of course at the time, I didn't understand. I don't think I minded too much, but only because when we stayed with my mom, she would still let us have friends spend the night and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteIt's a real thing to be concerned about, and I'm glad you're taking the stand for your family. Reading this has made me appreciate my Dad even more for doing what he could to protect himself and our family!
P.S. I so enjoyed lunch on Monday! So good to see you and catch up. Love!
Danielle
I feel the same way as you. You just can't take things face value anymore, a lot of wolves in sheep's clothing. I feel the Lord gave us children as a gift. My husband and I are going with the wisdom we have been given at best at this time...we just don't want to leave things to "fall where they may". Things are not like they used to be. I think you are taking a good stand! Our children are worth the effort!!
ReplyDeleteI could not agree with you more!!! We have too struggled with this and finally this year came to the conclusion that it is far better for them to miss a little fun than to live with a lifetime with a bad memory. We were still debating sleepovers about 6mos ago, when Kate age 10, came home from about an hour at a friends house. This being family on our "safe" list, being that we know both parents and the younger sibling. There was another child there as well and they were playing truth or dare and things got inappropriate. The other child is being raised by a step mom, who has been married 3-4 times. She has a high school age big sister that has a new live in boyfriend every few months, etc...
ReplyDeleteWe have also been in the same type of situation you wrote about Erica, about 10 years ago. The man was good friends with the pastor, the dad, he even went on mission trips with the girl and the dad. She babysat for them and he manipulated her mind and took advantage of her body.
We trust people but I am coming to the conclusion that our society is SO messed up, you just have to be really careful.
Kate was invited to a bday party for an 8 year old at Holiday Inn, for a sleep over... ummmmm no!
Our rules, no sleepovers, open doors (you can have privacy when your alone) if they are at a friends home or they are at ours, we have to know the family pretty well before we will let the kids go over.
It's a really tough decision to stick with, but your not alone!!!
Sorry that was a blog in itself;)
ReplyDeleteSuch a difficult topic. My DH and I have both been scout leaders and cared for a lot of children on camps and outings. But that was 30 years ago - not sure we would be happy to do it in the world of today. Our kids also had lots of happy memories of sleepovers. I see what you say - but the difficult part is that many child offenders actually come from the childs immediate family (uncles, neighbours, cousins, and as sad as it seems even parents).
ReplyDeleteWhat a great topic for debate! We have participated in sleepovers, because I too have great memories as a kid, and the families that we've exchanged kids with for a night are families we've known for years. Now that we're in a new school district with all new school friends, it'll be a very long time before I really know these parents and their values for me to allow it, and by then, the kids will have outgrown the thrill of a sleepover.
ReplyDeletePopping in to read after a 6-month hiatus from blog world...missed you!
ReplyDeleteWow, Erica, you never fail to give me food for thought. Anja just went to her first birthday party this past weekend, and even that was hard for me (I remember how catty girls can be, even at young ages). This is something I will need to discuss with my hubby for sure.